A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
- Bill Vaughan
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
- Albert Einstein
The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- Noelie Altito
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
- Nancy Reagan, former First Lady
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
- Cheech Marin
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
- Lisa Claymen
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
- Stan Laurel
One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
--Edgar Watson Howe
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Joel, 14, Advice from Kids